Gay Marriage Causes Toenail Fungus, Too

Leslie Carlson

The Oregonian published a story about the increasing use of political hit pieces today, and the latest from the Yes on 36 crowd is a crowning example of the art.

I was shocked when I read it (shocked!) to learn that gay marriage causes more abortions. There's even a study from Holland to back it up. I'm not sure I understand yet exactly how gays getting married leads to more abortions, but I sure am worried about it.

In honor of Halloween, I'd like to ask the creative and smart folks at BlueOregon to come up with a list of other SCARY things that we could blame on gay marriage. Here's my start:

1. Strip malls. If gays get married, that means they'll be spending more time shopping at places like Target and Babies-R-Us. That means more ugly strip malls and more parking lots will be needed to accomodate them.

2. Toenail fungus. I'm not sure how toenail fungus relates to gays, exactly, but a doctor told me it was hard to cure, so I thought we should blame it on more gay marriage. Maybe someone out there could do a study?

3. Higher gasoline costs. Again, more gays getting married means more people moving to the suburbs with their 2.3 kids. Doesn't that mean gas prices will continue to go up?

  • LeAnn (unverified)

    As rediculous as all of this sounds, the thing is, people believe it. And they believe it strongly. Take for example the letter to the editor in today's Oregonian stating that taxes and health care will go up if we let gays marry, mainly due to the fact that gays don't "produce children." That's a good one. But gay taxes pay for her kids schools and tax breaks!

    But I digress. Okay, here goes: – Finally, there will be a tasteful replacement for the man van, and no one with kids will be forced to drive a horrid car. - If gays marry, the northern lights will now glow from the south. - If gays marry, rainbows will no longer go on forever but will instead include a leprechaun at the end asking for spare change.

    Thinking through your original post, however, if there will be more gays going to the ugly strip malls, keep in mind that they probably won't be ugly much longer, thank god.

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    If gays marry, more right wing radio talk show hosts, like Lars Larson, dwelling in the sewers, as David Reinhard calls inappropriate complaining.

    If gays marry, David Reinhard will practice what he preaches (pun intended) and dwell in the sewers of distortions and misinformation.

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    If gays marry, the next step is that they will act like Christian Republicans*.

    • =• Gov. John Engler of Michigan - divorced

    • Gov. Pete Wilson of California - divorced

    • George Will - divorced

    • Sen. Lauch Faircloth - divorced

    • Rush Limbaugh - Rush and his current wife Marta have six marriages and four divorces between them.

    • Rep. Bob Barr of Georgia - Barr, not yet 50 years old, has been married three times. Barr had the audacity to author and push the "Defense of Marriage Act." The current joke making the rounds on Capitol Hill is "Bob Barr...WHICH marriage are you defending?!?

    • Sen. Alfonse D'Amato of New York - divorced

    • Sen. John Warner of Virginia - divorced (once married to Liz Taylor.)

    • Gov. George Allen of Virginia - divorced

    • Henry Kissinger - divorced

    • Rep. Helen Chenoweth of Idaho - divorced

    • Sen. John McCain of Arizonia - divorced

    • Rep. John Kasich of Ohio - divorced

    • Rep. Susan Molinari of New York - Republican National Convention Keynote Speaker - divorced

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    If gay's marry: due to the fact that they cannot procreate within their unions, in the span of a generation the population will dwindle down to nothing forcing heterosexual couples to have more children than they otherwise would have in order to repopulate the country and thus bear the financial burden for said offspring.

    The economy will then collapse because affluent gay couples - not bearing the burden of the multiple offspring - will own everything (as they have more time and money with which to rule the world), leaving the heterosexual couples at their financial and political mercy.

    BECAUSE gay's will then rule at least the country, if not the world, they will begin the indoctrination of all children into their "alternative" lifestyle (which then will not be alternative - because they rule the country). Only the fabulous children will ultimately join the Gay Regime and the not-so-fabulous children will be allowed to remain as God intended.

    Truly, you can see, allowing gays to marry would be the end of life as we know it here in the US and perhaps the world.


    OY! I made myself sick even coming up with that twisted tale. That was far too long to spend in the mind of someone that right-wing and that paranoid. Seriously, though, we all know that gay marriage would NOT be bad for the economy. I mean, really - all of those fabulous weddings? ;-)

  • Randy (unverified)



    (Why don't we have options of emoticons??)

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    If gays are allowed to marry, the Red Sox will win the World Series.

  • Joe Baldinux (unverified)

    The YesOn36 crowd is scraping rock bottom, and has been for a while now. Perhaps their private pollers are revealing something that disturbs them, like their initiative won't make it this Election Day? Tee hee.

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    Perhaps their private pollers are revealing something that disturbs them, like their initiative won't make it this Election Day? Tee hee.

    They got a tough taste of reality this morning. They made the mistake of calling my cranky, 82-year-old grandma. hehe. Now my grandma has her flaws. Life-long Republican, voted yes on both 9 and 13 (much to my dismay and after a great deal of debating and arguing) but this time around, she says "I don't give a shit what other people do, if they want to get married - let 'em." And that's pretty much what she told the M36 polster who, I'm sure, expected my grandma, the life-long Republican, to say exactly the opposite. Suckas!

    But we have a problem. My grandma's health is not what it used to be. She's got really bad arthritis and because she's afraid of her vote being thrown away because the signature will not match (she can barely write anymore), she's not going to. For the first time in her adult life, she's not going to vote. While her voting would most likely mean one more vote for W (she's presently torn between him and Mickey Mouse...seriously...) it does mean one more vote against M36 - in Marion County, no less. Any Blue Oregonians have any ideas on fixing this problem (which because of my civic-mindedness I'd still want to fix even if she cancelled my vote on every last candidate and measure - just to be clear).

    Then I gotta get down to Salem and get her ballot to the elections office, but I just want her to be able to vote if she really wants to and this is obviously a hinderance for her. (No, I have no idea how she'd vote on 34, 35, 37, or 38 lol)

    Oh and I have no idea why I made "gay" possessive all throughout my scary gay marriage story. Apparently I was apostrophe happy ?

    And thanks, Randy. :-) Nice to know my ramblings are not always just to amuse myself. ;-)

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    I wish I could have been a fly on the wall near the Yes on 36 phone canvasser that called cc's grandma. You gotta love cranky grandmas who just tell it like it is.

  • Jason Evans (unverified)

    If Gays are allowed to marry, they'll want to run for President...and there'd be fights over who gets to be First Lady.

    If Gays are allowed to marry, Dick Clark would finally croak, having finally "seen everything".

    If Gays are allowed to marry, the WNBA might actually be successful.

    If Gays are allowed to marry, the diamond business will hit the tank. (we love Platnium, darlings).

    If Gays are allowed to marry, Toys R Us will FINALLY go under.

    hrm...what else? :)

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    CC, just get down there and drive your grandmother to Marion County elections. If her sig doesn't match, they can check her I.D.

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    Kari, she's really sick. She can't go anywhere. She's pretty much homebound these days. :-( That won't work. Forgot to mention that key detail.

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    She can call Marion County elections to see if they accepted her ballot - if it wasn't brought in somneone else can bring it in in the signed envelope and ask that they verify the signature. If no problem, great. If a problem call the voter hotline so some election lawyer can intervene to preserve her ballot.

  • Sunshine (unverified)

    I am the proud mother of two young, beautiful daughters. Damnit! I don't care what people think! No narrow-minded twit is going to deprive me of being Mother of the Bride! If my daughters turn out to be gay, I hope they find a life long partner and by God, we'll have a big fancy wedding with all the trimmings to celebrate. I'll have to start thinking about what hors d' ouerves to serve! ;)

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