Anti-Gay Crusader Taken Abaack By Report

Trey Smith

Just when we thought it was safe to celebrate the hallowed definition of a one man-one woman marriage comes a disturbing report from Oregon State University about the sexual orientation of sheep!
According to the Associated Press,

Researchers at Oregon State University think that new studies showing that about 8 percent of rams are "male-oriented" have the potential to help explain sexuality in other mammals, including humans.

The findings, by researchers at Oregon State, Oregon Health & Science University and the U.S. Department of Agriculture's Sheep Experiment Station, suggest that homosexuality may be biologically driven, a hot topic in the perennial "nature vs. nurture" debate.

Researchers became concerned in the mid 90s because they "noticed that some rams refused to mate with female sheep" and they believed it was high time to figure out why.  As it turns out, researchers "found marked differences in the brain anatomy and hormones between male- and female-oriented rams".

When I first read this article, I was shocked!  However, realizing that the corporate media is the bastion of liberal propaganda, I sought out a leader of the Anti-Gay movement in Oregon for a learned response.

"What they DON'T tell you is of the utmost importance," said Rev. Rod Aupmibudt, senior pastor of We Are the Chosen People Pentecostal Church of the Holy Covenant of Grace in Disston (southeast of Eugene).

According to Rev. Aupmibudt, the sheep used for the study were subjected to "all sorts of vile stimuli to render the results useless."  For example, Aupmibudt charged that the music of George Michael, Sinead O'Connor and Melissa Etheridge was played throughout the research facility every night.   During each day, the poor sheep were forced to watch rerun after rerun of Will & Grace and According to Ellen.

"Several of the researchers are gay people themselves," Aupmibudt trembled.  "Their influence alone has caused the sheep to develop horrendous self-identity crises."

Aupmibudt stated that if, "the sheep would be turned over to righteous Christian men and women, I can promise you the results would be FAR different".

[Note from Trey: I realize that dripping sarcasm and satire doesn't come across well on the internet.  So, in case you didn't realize it, this entry at BlueOregon is liberally dripping with sarcasm and satire.]

  • Dave (unverified)

    Those nasty rams. Don't they know it's against the Bible to choose a gay lifestyle? I'll bet you they have a homosexual agenda too.

    As a good God-fearin'Christian I believe pastor upmibudt should establish an ex-gay movement for homo mammals. They're so lucky to be living in the United States. If the poor misguided creatures were in Iran they'd probably be swinging from a lamppost by now.

  • Gordie (unverified)

    Isn't somebody going to blame this on the rams' cloven hooves?

  • Jon (unverified)

    The sad part, sarcasm aside, is this was actually a program at one of our universities. Our education $$ at work, folks...

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