Michele Bachmann, Move to Eugene!

By Maria Smithson of Charlotte, North Carolina. Maria is a native Oregonian and a longtime national campaign operative. A proud mother of four Democrats, she is currently Political Director of True Blue NC.

Dear Michele:

The Daily Currant hoodwinked us good here in Liberal Land. In a satirical article, they announced you intend to move to Eugene, Oregon to escape the impending Biblical-proportion destruction of Minneapolis thanks to your fab new gay marriage law. Gullible me! Fell for it! I forgot you, Michele Bachmann, never make idiotic public comments without careful thought!

However, the Eugene move idea has merit.

The hometown that raised me in her bosom is the perfect place for you to escape Armageddon. Imagine you, Marcus, and all five kids living in such a dynamic community, one that embraces all people. That image is, in a word, magical!

Just in case no one slowly-and-carefully explains that you did not actually say you’re moving to Eugene, and you continue packing-up the U-Haul to head West, a few suggestions on making new Oregon friends and truly embracing Eugene, your new Promised Land:

• The Saturday Market: Its logo is a huge rainbow. Your little kids will love that! Imagine swimming in a sea of pink- and purple-clad individualists celebrating diversity, peace, and tie-dye organic cloth diapers. FYI, a big theme at the market is protecting the environment. Hurry, you can run for a seat on the Saturday Market Board, and share your keen wisdom on all things environmental. Especially this brilliant kernel you spouted in 2009: "Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn't even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas!" Wow. Prepare for greatness, Michele! They will LOVE you! And your Press Secretary can rest easy, there are NO CORNDOGS at the Saturday Market. But watch out for Rita's Burritos! Marcus will have a whole new reason to sleep on the couch, and it won't be his usual Gladiator Film Festival on late night TV.

• LEZ DANCE! Now that you've made it out of Minnesota by the skin of your teeth, you won't be wasting precious hours prepping for God's pesky destructive wrath. You and Marcus will have scads of free time. Take up ballroom dancing! At Lez Dance! Seriously, if you want to be 100% surrounded by the real Eugene women's community, spend your nights at Lez Dance. SO MUCH more fun than Junior League! And I suspect you will be thrilled to learn Marcus proves an excellent ballroom dancer! No "two-left-feet" on Mr. Bachmann! Am I right? He's no Tom Delay!

• YEPSA's "Transformation/ Metamorphosis" Art Exhibition: A family event "dedicated to showcasing the infinite interpretations of transformation in relation to sexuality and gender." It would be brilliant if Marcus were one of the judges! With his expertise helping vulnerable children navigate gender and sexuality, trust me, his involvement would be THE BOMB! His very presence will evoke quite the dramatic and passionate response! I promise!

• The Women's Polyamory Reading and Discussion Group: A book club. The classic way to make new girlfriends after a big move. You know, Michele, some people say book club friends are friends for life! I think it's the intimate sharing, noshing, and general female bonding that goes down. No doubt a Michele Bachmann "no-nonsense-Midwest-casserole", complete with bacon bits and crumbled GMO potato chips on top, will be a HUGE hit on your first visit to Eugene's Women's Polyamory Reading Group. It meets every other Tuesday. How perfect! The same nights Marcus watches those pesky Mad Men re-runs!

Loads-O-Fun For The Entire Bachmann Family!

Because nothing sucks more than five surly, resentful kids who HATE you for moving them to a new state. Make them feel like they never left Minnesota with family outings to these "totally-awesome" Eugene traditions:

• The Emerald City Roller Girls "Big O" Roller Derby Tournament" (FYI, the "O" does NOT denote the University of Oregon)

• Maukingbird Theatre's summer theatre production of "The Importance of Being Earnest". The kids can still audition!

• The Eugene Springfield Pride Festival and Parade in August (I'm seeing a Bachmann Family Fun Float!)

• Nude Hot Yoga (Marcus can Google for locales & times!)

And, you must experience, the big daddy them all...

• The Oregon Country Fair! You and the girls will LOVE the costumes! The Bachmann boys will be engrossed with the "freedom from dress and shaving" so many women celebrate. And, you will ALL enjoy tasting the interesting and new (to you) baked goods made with a variety of homegrown plants. I just know Marcus will be drawn to one of OCF's many drumming circles like a fruit fly to a glass of Chardonnay. You might find it very hard getting him to leave! And, once again, NO CORNDOGS at this festival. Lucky you!

Please Michele, I beg you, move to Eugene. The Daily Currant may have been joking, but I am not. 2013 is proving to be a typically boring odd-year with scant interesting election news. Believe me when I say, this move will garner you media attention like never before! And maybe, just maybe, your new surroundings will be the kind of atmosphere to prove, once and for all, you are an intelligent and progressive female leader of great intellect who embraces diversity and the peaceful evolution of humankind.

As we like to say in Oregon, Just Do It!

Most Sincerely,
Maria Smithson

P.S. I just heard Dick Cheney is also re-locating. Headed to Berkeley, California! Who knew?

May 19, 2013 Posted in guest column.