Readership Up Among Republicans

Anne Martens

I had a visit today at the office from none other than the gallant Troy Nichols and his posh partner, Crystal, who were both, in a previous post, tactlessly referred to by me as a "perennial playa with [a] porn star name" and a "saucy tart with vacant eyes but a nice butt," respectively.

The purpose of the visit was to air their displeasure at the "vacant eyes" part of the description, and to explain that "dating is really hard in this environment," (the legislature). Crystal, it seems, has hung up the "no vacancy" sign, and she wanted me to know that she is a "very well-educated woman," and that she has been "very disappointed in the way that women treat other women in this building," (the Capitol). Troy was there as ornamentation (how's that for gender role reversal) since he hardly said a word.

Brings you right back to high school, doesn't it? My response was that I don't know either of them (which is true), that somebody told me Troy was a player (which is also true) and then I trailed off because mentioning that Crystal really does have a nice butt (again, true) struck me as unnecessary. I couldn't see her eyes so well because of the glasses. Oh, it's a joke, people!

The thing that amazes me is that not only are the R's reading and paying attention to BlueOregon, but they're also taking it seriously (even when it's clear that gravity is sublimely lacking in a particular post). The post in question was, I'm told, emailed around the caucus, to, (with indignation), "people that [Crystal] works with!"

I replied that I appreciated their concerns, that it was all tongue-in-cheek and not meant to be taken seriously, and thanked them for stopping by. Crystal is, in fact, an attractive woman, and, according to her, a "very well-educated woman," so both she and snookums should have more confidence in themselves and their relationship than to seek approval from me (or from anyone else).

But, since they asked, for all you R's reading this who work in the Capitol, please, take a moment to understand that "dating is hard," and give Troy and Crystal's relationship the support it deserves. Maybe the caucus could devote some time in meetings for checking in on their sex life. Maybe the Republicans will finally start calling women, “womyn.” Maybe Troy and Crystal could be the Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson of the Oregon Legislature.

So thank you to Troy and Crystal for the great laugh and excellent material. America loves you - do keep us updated on your relationship.

  • J. Smalls (unverified)

    If they are the Nick & Jessica of the Legislature than I am hereby officially forming the "Crystal Fan Club," (er, that is if someone else hasn't beat me to the punch).

    I couldn't imagine such an attractive, well-educated woman (Anne: did you walk in wearing any of your G-town Law swag?) describing dating as hard in any environment. And, already being hooked up with someone... what's hard about it?

    I bet they got a big kick out of telling you off. I bet they think that D's will quiver at the thought of crashing Dorkchester next year. I doubt they got anything done with their afternoons other than walking around the Capitol, giggling about their success in your encounter.

    Go Nick & Jessica! Oh wait, I mean go Troy & Crystal!

  • allehseya (unverified)

    In all honesty -- I think the entirety of this 'issue' -- by all parties -- is summed up with the question Anne Marten posed: Brings you right back to high school, doesn't it?

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    There's an important lesson here. Never do (or wear) anything in public that you wouldn't want to see on the front page of the newspaper... or BlueOregon.

    Crystal, Troy... Welcome to the Fishbowl.

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    Oh, and let's be clear about facts: Your initial post neither named Crystal nor used Troy's last name. By outing themselves in the light of day, they've only accelerated and amplified the story.

    Never forget the First Law of Holes: when you're in one, stop digging.

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    Stop talking about nice butts already. It's frickin Spring.

  • Ruth Adkins (unverified)

    Troy? Crystal? Who the heck are these people?! (sorry I am not in the know re: R. players!)

    Anne, your report from Dorchester was hilarious and I loved it. I hope the DPO heeds your clarion call for much-needed reform of the bar -- cash bar that is.

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    Here here! More salacious gossip!

  • panchopdx (unverified)

    For the R's, Dorchester is the opportunity to let their down. The hosted-bar parties do result in a little drunkeness, but everyone picks themselves back up when it's over and goes back to work.

    What happens at Dorchester, stays at Dorchester.

    Or so the saying used to go.

    But since most D's never wear their hair up to begin with, providing free drinks to young D pols will probably turn your weekend political conference into Fat Tuesday.

    I say go for it.

    I expect some enterprising young R's will crash the party with a digital camera and post the pix. Then the blogging community can debate which of your LA's were truly "bead-worthy".

  • Troy Nichols (unverified)

    Oh, go ahead and laugh, but being the ‘Nick & Jessica’ of the Oregon Legislature is way tough.

    I can’t wear my Cincinnati Reds cap or muscle shirts in the Capitol, much less find any time to work on my guns and get that tribal armband tattoo I’ve been wanting. I can’t even drink Miller Lite all day to dull the pain!

    With Crystal’s dad always getting in our business (what sex life? He’s demanding we wait until marriage!); how am I supposed to pay any attention to the Governor’s Food Drive or the Fluoridation Bill!?!?

    At least Café Today doesn’t have Chicken of the Sea or Buffalo Wings…one less thing to confuse Crystal, which is a good thing, believe me. At least down there she doesn't have to give herself a headache trying to figure out measuring cups!

    I do have the porn star name, but I can’t even get near a strip club without it showing up in the papers! At least that annoying little dog of Crystal's got lost in her enormous clothes collection the other day and starved to death...

    Yes, it’s a difficult burden for us, but building on the suggestion of one of BlueOregon’s readers, we’ve come up with a way for you to help: Join the Troy & Crystal Fan Club Today!

    For just $49.99, you can receive a complete set of my “Perennial Playa” trading cards, personalized fashion accessory tips from Crystal’s stylist, instant access to my “mo’ money mo’ problems” blog, and a framed replica of Crystal’s college diploma! Sign up today!

    Troy & Crystal Fan Club P.O. Box 2619 Salem, OR 97308 (Make checks payable to ‘Majority 2006’)

    Come on Anne, ditch the Ashlee syndrome and cut that first check!



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    Now, there's a sense of humor! Bravo!

  • Jud (unverified)

    Porn-star Troy, One of the best posts I've seen here in a long time. Well done!

  • Laughing (unverified)

    The comedy of it all is that some people actually believe life in the Oregon State Capitol is comparable to a hit show on MTV. Please, let's all put aside the pride, drop the charade and admit it: it's not that cool. The apparent power is a moment's breath and the reality of life is lost in the frantic grasp for beauty and ego to shore up folks’ ragged self-esteem. Kissing ass with the mime’s happy face is fun until you forget your strengths and imperfections and how you really look in the morning. Perhaps if salaries were tripled you could begin to talk about coolness, but even then, with the apparent acceptation of Crystal whose butt Anne Martens seems fixated on, no one is nearly hot enough in that building to warrant a second thought.

    The real Nick and Jessica share the commonality of America's obsessions: beauty, money, fame and, as much as reality TV is real, the simplicity and hope of love. Perhaps in the name of our own vanity, cameras can follow the daily lives and interactions of Oregon's own Nick and Jessica. Capitol TV could carry the feed on closed-circuit and the world's sick fantasy could be unfolded as it truly is. But as in love with ourselves as we are, some blemishes even the soft filters of a $6,000 camera cannot hide.

    Things are often not as they seem.

  • Mike (unverified)

    The thing that amazes me is that not only are the R's reading and paying attention to BlueOregon, but they're also taking it seriously (even when it's clear that gravity is sublimely lacking in a particular post).

    The thing that amazes me is that it takes a hubub like this for someone in Anne's position to even "get to know" someone in Troy's position. I find this a stunning comment on the "culture" in Salem these days. Not only is there little cooperation........they don't even know one another! Wow.

  • Todd Birch (unverified)

    FYI, there are at least two well-established protocols for determining one’s porn name. One methodology is to combine your first pet’s name and your mother’s maiden name ("Patch Bottoms," at your service). For those who’d prefer to avoid bringing references to their family’s matriarch into the exercise, another school of thought holds that it’s acceptable to unite one’s middle name with some derivation of the current street one lives on. In that case, call me “Michael Sixteen.” If you're dissatisfied with your particular results using either technique, there’s always this.

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    For those who’d prefer to avoid bringing references to their family’s matriarch into the exercise, another school of thought holds that it’s acceptable to unite one’s middle name with some derivation of the current street one lives on.

    Dein Division?

    Lame. No wonder I'm not a porn star.

  • Tom Civiletti (unverified)

    So, back to Crystal's butt....

  • TomL (unverified)

    Yes back to Crystal's butt... I have to agree with Anne... Crystal's butt is beyond nice... and she is SMOKIN'

  • Bob (unverified)

    Is Crystal 18?!

  • Tom Civiletti (unverified)


    Would you hold it against her if she were over eighteen?

  • Jake (unverified)

    I have seen Crystal. She is saucy and hot! Who cares what age she is! But Troy might!!!!(As I elude to something else)

  • SamT (unverified)
    <h2>I thought Troy would only hold it against you if you were under 18?</h2>

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