Bush Appoints Randy Leonard as Head of Homeland Security

In an announcement from the White House today, President Bush surprised terrorist watchers by appointing Portland City Commissioner Randy Leonard as the new head of the Department of Homeland Security.

In response to a reporter’s question about Bush's choice of Leonard to lead the effort to defeat terrorists here at home, a clearly amused Bush responded “The guy talks like he is an expert on terrorism. If he thinks he is so goddamned smart, he can run the place.”

Attempting to read his prepared statement, Bush kept breaking into his familiar chuckle. When the President finally composed himself, he said “Coincidentally, we have decided to relocate the main headquarters of the Office of Homeland Security from Washington D.C. to Nome, Alaska.”

Leonard, looking stunned, pale and uncharacteristically at a loss for words, replied “Well, I won't have to work on the Parks Bureau budget anymore.”