Why? Well, if the believers are to be believed, the second coming is nigh, and it seems clear that had the good old U.S. of A. been in existence at the time of our Lord, he surely would have wanted to be a part of this land of milk and honey. Or land of Wal-Mart and Krispy Kreme. Land of Coors and Splenda? Anyway, it goes without question that Jesus, like everybody else in the world, wants to be an American. But since 9/11, we don't let just anybody in.
First, there are the security issues. While Jesus is coming for us, he ain't walking all the way across the Atlantic. If we're going to reconcile tight border security with access for a religious recruiter from the Middle East, we really need to make sure he's got an American passport. Otherwise he's going to end up in Gitmo without a lawyer.
Then there are the identity issues. How the hell are we supposed to believe that Jesus is Jesus without a photo I.D.? And not just some driver's license or utility bill that any college student with a Powerbook can fake in five minutes (duh, Jesus can totally manifest a hologram), no, we need something authenticated by the Feds.
And most importantly, there are the political issues. You see, only as a citizen will Jesus be able to vote. And, as we all know, Jesus can be quite a motivator at the polls, but his legitimacy is lost if he himself isn't qualified to cast a ballot. Are you going to let some foreigner tell you how to run your country? Hell no! No, if Jesus is to maintain his political sway, he'll need a haircut, some of that skin lightening stuff that Michael Jackson uses, and proof of citizenship.
So call Senator Gordon Smith right now (you're calling him anyway) and ask him to sponsor a bill to grant Jesus American citizenship. Democracy depends on it.