Labor Movement Retires

In a move that's shaken political observers and social commentators worldwide, the folks who brought you the weekend are ready to call it a day. "Frankly, we've done our bit" says John Sweeney, head of the the largest umbrella group for organized labor in America - the multi-million member AFL-CIO.

Wall streetYes, the folks who've been fighting the good fight since before the great depression are ready to give up the ghost. This news comes despite the labor movement having new success by advocating for non-union working class families by defending the minimum wage from attacks by the Oregon Restaurant Association and their cronies running sweatshop soup kitchens and defending Social Security from risky schemes by Wall Street crackpots trying to make a buck off your kindly old Aunt Bea.

Sweeney continued his movement wide-retirement speech in his famously Kennedy-esque cadance at the press conference held this afternoon and rather bitterly sniped "Ask not what we can do for you – ask what you can do for us. We're Tired. And frankly, we've got more than enough comp-time to cash out and certainly a big enough of a Cadillac 401K plan that we don't need to take your crap for one more lousy G** D**** Day. You all can kiss my Irish white A**."

Howard Dean, the chair of the DNC was as usual, candid in his response to this news, and in a emergency response meeting is reported to have said "Sure the enviros throw fun houseparties, but they're all broke as hell, the hippies. What are we gonna do for some serious cash? Without unions, we're outta gas."

With this observation, the party agreed, and reportedly has decided to affiliate with the Republican Party. Said Senator and former Presidential Candidate John Kerry "Hey, if you can't beat em, join em. Or maybe not."

Kerry was later seen brandishing a 12-page position paper while saying, "Well I don't support the move to join the GOP, but I voted for it. Let me explain in further detail."

Analysts are commenting that despite - or perhaps as a result of - the increasing influx of politically savvy campaign professionals into the ranks of union staffing positions over the last several years, those progressive and radical wings of the labor movement who have until now been working overtime to both attend to the immediate needs of their existing memberships and to reinvigorate a broad-based labor movement as a continuous and open campaign for social justice from local communities across America and connecting throughout the reaches of the global economy, they've just been working too much lately and could use at least a sabbatical, if not a change of pace entirely.

Rogue_2No gold watch, but a free round of super-patriotic Rogue Ale on the house for everyone!

  • Eric Berg (unverified)

    This is the most The Onion-like article I've read that isn't in The Onion.

    Unfortunately, and I say as someone in the labor movent, there's too much truth in it.

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