Michele Bachmann, Move to Eugene!

By Maria Smithson of Charlotte, North Carolina. Maria is a native Oregonian and a longtime national campaign operative. A proud mother of four Democrats, she is currently Political Director of True Blue NC.

Dear Michele:

The Daily Currant hoodwinked us good here in Liberal Land. In a satirical article, they announced you intend to move to Eugene, Oregon to escape the impending Biblical-proportion destruction of Minneapolis thanks to your fab new gay marriage law. Gullible me! Fell for it! I forgot you, Michele Bachmann, never make idiotic public comments without careful thought!

However, the Eugene move idea has merit.

The hometown that raised me in her bosom is the perfect place for you to escape Armageddon. Imagine you, Marcus, and all five kids living in such a dynamic community, one that embraces all people. That image is, in a word, magical!

Just in case no one slowly-and-carefully explains that you did not actually say you’re moving to Eugene, and you continue packing-up the U-Haul to head West, a few suggestions on making new Oregon friends and truly embracing Eugene, your new Promised Land:

Loads-O-Fun For The Entire Bachmann Family!

Because nothing sucks more than five surly, resentful kids who HATE you for moving them to a new state. Make them feel like they never left Minnesota with family outings to these "totally-awesome" Eugene traditions:

And, you must experience, the big daddy them all...

Please Michele, I beg you, move to Eugene. The Daily Currant may have been joking, but I am not. 2013 is proving to be a typically boring odd-year with scant interesting election news. Believe me when I say, this move will garner you media attention like never before! And maybe, just maybe, your new surroundings will be the kind of atmosphere to prove, once and for all, you are an intelligent and progressive female leader of great intellect who embraces diversity and the peaceful evolution of humankind.

As we like to say in Oregon, Just Do It!

Most Sincerely,
Maria Smithson

P.S. I just heard Dick Cheney is also re-locating. Headed to Berkeley, California! Who knew?

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